Ever felt kind of socially blocked when it comes to dating?
From personal experience, I know what it’s like to fancy someone, but feel like there’s a code to adhere to.
Recently, I’ve come to believe that perhaps the fear of coming on too strong or being ‘too available’ is embedded with sexism.
Why should women wait around in passivity? That approach only makes us feel that we’re missing out in life. You may look back and wonder, what if?
Why should what men think of us come before responding to our own desires? At least if you make a move, you have put your intentions out there. If they like you back then you’ve planted the seed for that flower to blossom. Men ain’t the only gardeners.
Why is it that men can actively pursue women, even in an aggressive manner, yet, if women want to be taken seriously, we have to put on a show of indifference.
Is this innate, or is it a story that needs to be rewritten?
I think that each individual will have their own way of expressing themselves. For some that may be extroversion. Others may like to enjoy the chase and be more introverted. Whichever approach you take, you should feel comfortable expressing yourself in whatever way feels natural. You shouldn’t have to pretend to be something you’re not, or pretend to not want something that you do. Where’s the joy in that?
I do believe there is an art of seduction but its not a one sided scenario. As much as it may be unattractive if a women lays it on thick, the same goes for men. Yet, this is ambiguous. Complimenting somebody in a flirtatious way is a sign of confidence and kindness and may even be a signal that the person is mature – they don’t care about playing games. That’s attractive.
The important thing to take from this read is that you do what feels right for you and question your intentions. Waiting the same amount of time to text him back as he took to text you? Maybe you’re investing a little too much energy into this ‘cool exterior’. Just be you.
Lastly, notions of gender codes won’t change until we change. We’re not waiting for permission or waiting for somebody else to make an example so that we can follow. It starts with you. Take what’s yours. Men will follow suit.
Day to day life can be a bit of a jungle for most of us. With a constant buzz of stimuli, it can be hard to remain grounded or aligned with our true selves. So many factors push and pull us, it’s no wonder there is a mental health epidemic. I’ve had a ponder, and here are some points that helped me to get myself together.
Stop questioning yourself
You know yourself and you know what feels right. It may sound queer if you haven’t come across the concept before, but your mind isn’t actually YOU, it’s more like an annoying sibling that gets kicks from winding you up. Point is, if you think about something for long enough you will achieve nothing. So, less thinking and more doing. Trusting your intuition is a skill that is strenghtened the more you practice it. Your mind can lead you astray, if you let it.
No more comparisons
I make the silly error of giving myself shit for not achieving things that others in my field and of my age have. I’m hard on myself, not giving myself credit that I have done very well to get to where I am given my ‘disadvantaged’ position. I highlight this ‘disadvantaged’ because everything is relative. I may have been disadvantaged compared to those in my field, but to others, I am extremely advantaged. Remember we all come from different walks of life and that’s what makes it interesting. Reward yourself for your success, if not, nobody else will.
So, yeah, hello, there’s a little story called YOUR story, which is different from anybody else’s story. The sooner we learn to embrace our individuality, the sooner we will flourish. Your difference and unique being is the best you can offer the world. It’s the only thing you’ve got that nobody else has. DON’T BE LIKE THEM. BE LIKE YOU.
Understand that Rome wasn’t built in a day
Sure, you’ve got ambition and dreams but don’t be disheartened if things don’t fall into place tomorrow. Anything worth having is worth fighting for (did I just quote Cheryl Cole?). The more time you spend dwelling on how nothing is happening, the more time it’s gonna take for it to HAPPEN. So, get your head in the game. I find making notes in my diary (schedule) each week helps me to maintain focus. I know what I want to achieve week to week. Having a record like this is also good for encouragement – perhaps in times of despair you can look back and have a reality check; hey, you’re not doing so bad after all!
Don’t give in to negative thinking
Life is what you make it. Don’t be a victim and start believing the negative talk and labels. Only you can create the life you want. Get up and do something about it. There will be dark days and there will be bright days, but it’s your perseverance that will need to be the consistent factor.
I, myself, am an extremely conscientious and sensitive character. I just can’t help but be highly affected by other people, even just bumping into people on the street I can feel overwhelmed. This is something that I struggle with on a personal level. I could conduct a psychoanalysis as to why I feel like this and draw conclusions on unhealthy factors of my upbringing that have contributed to this self-consciousness. But why would I dwell on the things that are out of my control? I don’t want to be tied up in that dark world. I want to be the being I truly am and let my light shine through. I do not let these overwhelming feelings stop me going from going for what I want. My message to you is don’t be stuck in a victim mentality or think that the world owes you something, because believe me, you’ll be waiting a long time for handouts. I’m now going to quote a very wise person I have had the blessing to meet, ‘the Universe is generous, if you are’. The more you put out, the more you get. Sometimes it might feel like it’s taking a long ass mother-f******* time, but good things come to those who persevere.
Don’t Believe the Hype
Be a OG and f**k what people think. If you follow the herd you need to retrace your steps asap and find where YOUR path leads to. The world will always try to dictate to you how to live your life, but do you know what will ground you? YOUR outlook, your experience of life and your story. Be grounded in knowing that you own your sh**. Make your life a noble one and make it count. Stop using your social media accounts as a form of seeking gratification through approval of others. You weren’t born to prove anything to anybody. Invest in yourself and care about what you think of yourself. You don’t have to follow trends to be relevant in this world. If anything, mindlessly following the crowd because of sensationalism and the fear of not fitting in, only dilutes your presence in this world. You owe it to yourself to be free.